Freakin’ buttholes, they tainted the water supply again. How the freak did my water get brown. There is a discreet network of skateboarding youths in my neighborhood going around tainting people’s water water supplies. The Buttcheese Vampire says its not so, but oh it is. I think she is part of the conzphereetsy. I’m going to ask my naybors if they have a tainted supply, too. They are probably part of the cunsperasy anyway.
Oh, so what the freak, I forgot. I am going to talk about Pillow Pets, well, Pillow Dates. I can’t date yet. The Buttcheese Vampire won’t let me out. This does not give me ample opportunity to meet members of the opposite sex. She also forces me to go everywhere that is no co-ed. What the freak! So, Heidi Klum pillow is my new main squeeze. I couldn’t find a picture of Ms. Klum as I am not allowed on the internet. The Buttcheese Vampire has deleted all guest accounts as she says my printing habits are out of control. So, I fished Better Homes and Gardens from the trash as well as my old pillow, and I used a modified picture of Martha Stewart. I colored it with my 96-count Roseart Crayon Set from the dollar store. I bought them with my own money. The Buttcheese Vampire doesn’t know! I don’t intend to tell her, and you shouldn’t either if you know what’s good for you. Buttcheese Vampire will perish!
Okay, so on to my instructions. You should pick the hottest celeb look-alike that you can find and modify their appearance with crayons or markers, Roseart preferably, its the finest available. You can add a little lipstick. Make sure you affix firmly their face to the top of the pillow with bandaids or maxi pads. Maxi pads work the best, because they are soft and have optimul absorbtun propaties. Heidi is mine! Get your own! That Rachel Rape chick is pretty cute. If I had a picture of her, I would lull myself to sleep rubbing her photograph on my face along with the soft maxis.
Well, the Buttcheese Vampire has caught me again, foiled! Gotta Go!