Pillow Friends and the Tainted Water Supply

Freakin’ buttholes, they tainted the water supply again.  How the freak did my water get brown.  There is a discreet network of skateboarding youths in my neighborhood going around tainting people’s water water supplies.   The Buttcheese Vampire says its not so, but oh it is.  I think she is part of the conzphereetsy.  I’m going to ask my naybors if they have a tainted supply, too.  They are probably part of the cunsperasy anyway.

Oh, so what the freak, I forgot.  I am going to talk about Pillow Pets, well, Pillow Dates.  I can’t date yet.  The Buttcheese Vampire won’t let me out.  This does not give me ample opportunity to meet members of the opposite sex.  She also forces me to go everywhere that is no co-ed.  What the freak!  So, Heidi Klum pillow is my new main squeeze.  I couldn’t find a picture of Ms. Klum as I am not allowed on the internet.  The Buttcheese Vampire has deleted all guest accounts as she says my printing habits are out of control.  So, I fished Better Homes and Gardens from the trash as well as my old pillow, and I used a modified picture of Martha Stewart.  I colored it with my 96-count Roseart Crayon Set from the dollar store.  I bought them with my own money.  The Buttcheese Vampire doesn’t know!  I don’t intend to tell her, and you shouldn’t either if you know what’s good for you.  Buttcheese Vampire will perish!

Okay, so on to my instructions.  You should pick the hottest celeb look-alike that you can find and modify their appearance with crayons or markers, Roseart preferably, its the finest available.  You can add a little lipstick.  Make sure you affix firmly their face to the top of the pillow with bandaids or maxi pads.  Maxi pads work the best, because they are soft and have optimul absorbtun propaties.  Heidi is mine!  Get your own!  That Rachel Rape chick is pretty cute.  If I had a picture of her, I would lull myself to sleep rubbing her photograph on my face along with the soft maxis.

Well, the Buttcheese Vampire has caught me again, foiled!  Gotta Go!



Kerchiefs are fun

What is wrong with wearing a kerchief? My mummah thinks it is funny for some reason. I love my kerchief. It is green, and has leprechauns, pots of gold and root beer drink. Some of my favorite things.  I have lots of things that I like, but those are things that I really like. The butt cheese vampire also wears kerchiefs, and she is cool in a really mongoloid type of way. Throwing balls at the school wall is so fun. That is what I do in the morning when I catch the bus on time. Sometimes I wear my glove and catch it. No silly, not a baseball glove, a glove from the millennium that has the date 01-01-2000 on each finger. That is really cool. Your a moron so you don’t know what cool is. Mummah is a moron too.

Summer Fun

I thoroughly enjoy the summer time. In the summer I can light fires, eat mad candy, and play on the tracks. The butt cheese vampire usually is so hot she does not want to come outside, so this give me the opportunity to do whatever I want. Maah is trying to get me to go to Camp Lajola with her, but I told that butt cheese vampire that she can shove that right up her butt. I want to swim, and walk around with no shirt on so my stomach becomes overly red. I love American flags, and riding my bike too. I want to start my summer business, where I get bike parts out of the trash and build bikes for cash. Dumpster diving is so fun, but I have to do it when the butt cheese vampire is not looking because she gets mad. One of my future endeavors is to get one of the infomercial guys to back me on making discrete dried herb holders, so butt cheese vampires everywhere will not find stuff like dill. You know, something like a floss container or a emptied out deodorant holder. But dill is hard to smoke as it explodes. Plus ice pops are the shit because I can’t have my frozen ravioli’s anymore as I have to hide them so the butt cheese vampire does not find them, and they melt. No good. My maah says it is because I have high blood pressure and am a prime candidate for pre diabetes. But I don’t want to take diabetes medicine because it makes me poop my pants all over the kitchen floor. I told her I am not going to make it to the toilet because she makes me take these shits. I have lost a quarter of a pound, so it is obviously working. At this rate I won’t even need camp Lajola. Summer is the best time of the year.

Ps. I wish the butt cheese vampire would stop making me listen to AFI and Evanescence as I like 50 cent yo. She thinks it calms me, but it actually just makes me want to play gangsta with my paper towel roll guns. I will pop a  bottle cap in that butt cheese vampire in her stank butt cheese self. And when I say stank, I mean stank, she is a fart machine sounding like the streets of wherever gangsters shoot things. I recorded it and made it my ring tone.

Letter to Mummah

Dear Mummah,

Can you get someone to look inside my glass dog please? I think Ants are coming out of it because I was holing it and an ant just appeared on it. So please get someone to look in it. There is a little hole in the bottom and I want as little damage as possible.

Thank you,


The Piccolo


My mummah tried telling me last night that the piccolo is part of the woodwind family. I was like DUH mummah, I know. But what she failed to realize is that the piccolo is not even made of wood, it is actually made out of metal. Wood is really hard to build an instrument out of because it takes a long time to make it and make it sound good. So they use metal. Metal is really good for making anything that you want to make. It is cheap and makes things. TAPS uses lots of metal, and I use metal. Metal is good for making objects such as shanks. I mean, stuff to take to school and use for good. So mummah, here is a great big DUH for you, cuz woodwinds are for MORONS!

Quote of the day: 5/23/11

I saidddddddddddddddd, I hate small magic ant’s riding around in Wendy’s cup!!!!!!

Response: Um, yes honey.

Propeller Hats

Wow, today Boi and I found the best thing ever! Propeller hats! What is better than that? It is not only a hat, but it has a spinner on top. I am already partial to hats, but one could never guess how amazing these hats could be. When I get mad at mummah I can put my hat on and fly away. Boi says it will help him to jump down to the safeness of his friends when the butt cheese vampire is annoying him, or if Smarticles the Clown is coming. “They” won’t taint our water supply or get us when we have these fancy hats on. Too bad your not me, MORON!